Exercising Gratitude: 30 Days - 10

Changes

Today I am grateful to discover and realize changes in myself. I don't love change - avoid it, actually. And I often feel I'm not changing fast enough. But today a memory popped up in my Facebook of something I said 6 years ago. And I didn't quite agree with myself. Normally I'd skip sharing it because I'm a bit embarrassed by my own self. So it was a bit of a risk, but I shared anyway - learning confidence that all I've been and said in the past doesn't have to 'stick' - doesn't define me now, but is merely a record of my journey. Thankfully, the narrative continues.

I said this a few years ago...and see how I've changed...I still think it's true, about worry and anxiety, sort of, on some level. But I see a critical edge in my statement below, and it gave me pause to consider - to see and realize how I've changed. Grief changes us.

Here is the quote I don't really care for:

"At the heart of worry, anxiety, and fear is a lack of trust in God, and a lack of belief in His sovereign goodness. That is why He can say to us, 'Fear not,' and, 'Trust in God; trust also in Me.' (Jesus). Replacing our fears with confident trust in him, allows our energies to be better spent elsewhere. WAFfing (worry, anxiety and fear) are energy/joy/life-suckers, bleeding our lives away, distracting us from the joyful pursuit of participation in God's kingdom."


I'd like to argue with myself from 6 years ago...like, doesn't worry, anxiety and fear tell us something about ourselves? Rather than trying to make it go away so as to participate in God's kingdom, how about acknowledging it and realizing God's kingdom arrived for such as those who had much to worry about? When Jesus announced his kingdom's arrival, he specifically announced blessing on the poor in spirit - which I imagine includes the fearful, anxious ones who carry an ache and limp in their souls. So, yes, I argue with my own words above...they are part of my narrative, my story, but not the final landing point, thank God.

If you read over that and agree then maybe just stop there and don't read more. There is a place to see things that way. But I am no longer in that place.

First, I see this as fairly rigid and judgemental of those who have deep fears and worries. I almost presume to know they are not trusting God. I presume to tell them they're being inefficient with their energies (like, who made me boss of them, right?) Nice thing is, I can air my criticisms here because I'm not blasting anyone but myself. The former me, who claimed not to judge but posted these sentiments regularly. Forgive me?

You see, these words sound/seem so good and right on some level. But what is missing, I sense now, is the allowing. What do I mean? In saying that, I made no allowance for those who struggle with anxiety. I made no space, no room, no place for them and their very real suffering. I told them answers where there were no questions. I'm so glad God changes us, and doesn't leave us to remain in one rigid outlook. At least, it encourages me that I'm no longer in that place.

There's much more I'd pick apart about the above statement - the arrogance, the use of Christianese (cringe).

So, yes, I'm thankful for change. Just wait a few years and I'll be a different me. In this life, or the next.