Bees in My Bonnet

‘Are you listening?’  Oh yes, I am. ‘What do you hear?’  I hear nothing. ‘Listen harder.’ Okay, I hear the birds. ‘What do they say?’ Whatever is in them to say - This is their song. They call, they wait, They listen for a response. Such curious little creatures, Free to fly, driven by hunger, They know the way to find food, warmth, a partner. They live dependent, simple, uncomplicated. They have all they need. ‘Do you hear their song?’  Yes; they have a voice.  They open their mouths - they find food for their bellies, And voice a song. ‘Where does that song come from?’  You made them to sing, I suppose. You gave them their voice, so they sing. ‘What has happened to your voice?’ I am not like the birds, O Lord. My voice got trapped, stuck within. I am not simple, Trusting, uncomplicated.  I have no wings to fly. “Oh for the wings of a dove - far away would I roam. In the wilderness build me a nest, And remain there forever at rest…” I hear this song deep w...

This time is like a conversation. I open my heart and say all the things - Sometimes nice things, Upsetting things, Confusing things. They’re all there, and I just say it all:  I don’t hold back. I imagine You curiously listening. You let it all come out, even when I’m frustrated. Especially when I’m frustrated. There is no slamming the door on our conversation. You are patient. Then there is a stillness - a pause. I wait. Maybe now You will speak. Maybe now I can hear. The pages of Your book are open before me: What might You say? You are alive in me - Of course in the words of the book too! The Spirit draws my eyes to read Your words. Oh You did hear me!  Your words soak into this parched soul. And I am satisfied.

 These past two weeks have been harrowing for me as I came down with covid, and traversed very dark days where I struggled to breathe and stay alive. I'd like to say it was all rosy and I had faith in God throughout this ordeal. On some level, I did - I had confidence God would do His good will, and I trust He defines 'good' not I. Whatever comes from His hand, I will welcome, be it life or death. I simply did not like the process  of what I thought might be death: it was terribly painful and uncomfortable. It was discouraging to try to take gulps of air and watch the oximeter barely make it above 90%. I had to focus all my energy on breathing. I also was unable to read (headaches, can't keep eyes focused), watch anything (it seems pointless, the imaginative dramas produced by human imagination - though I know there are rich treasures in film and drama - I just couldn't focus on it), write, think clearly, converse with anyone. I had nothing I could really do other t...

 This is not going to be a blog about how 'we should be more hospitable.' If any of you know me by now, you can rest assured that I have no intent to 'should' you. Yes, I turned that into a verb. Sorry if I take license with the English language. Okay, not sorry after all. It seems the world is intent on should-ing us. The Christian sub-world has picked up this theme and gladly carries it forth - enter Spiritual Gifts 101 . I am no expert on human motivations (I leave that to philosophy and phenomenology academics), yet I am a bit of an expert of my own lack of motivation. And I am not generally very motivated by 'shoulds'. Likely, you aren't either. (Though I grant, many are, which is why it is such a popular motivational model).  My goal is never to 'should' anyone, (okay, exception here: my kids!!), but rather to explore life as it is, as God brings it to us, and as we stumble or with valiant courage, walk through the valleys and mountains of life...

These days of Quarantine have been refining for us as a family, as I'm sure you can imagine.  Just keep 9 people cooped up in a 4 bedroom house for 3 months and see what happens. We are by no means your 'model' family, even if you like to imagine us as such. Just ask any of our friends who stop by - sometimes things are calm and happy, and even quiet (like, rarely).  Other times certain kids are having a rough day and it shows.  And even if it's not just moodiness, crankiness, annoyingness or whiney-ness, it is simply the friction of being near each other - near enough to make annoying sounds, expressing frustration with grunts and sighs, or, if you're like me, simply announcing to everyone in sight exactly what seems to be the problem.  Loudly.  "IT SEEMS TO ME I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THE TRASH ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE OVERFLOWING RECYCLE BIN. HMMM, I Wonder,  WHY IS THAT ??!?!"  Some would call this passive-aggressive.  But I think it is s...

On Friday I had the privilege of joining the 5th graders on their field trip to the Art Museum.  I say 'privilege' though taking my day to go be with a bunch of kids wandering around nice pictures isn't generally my cup of tea.  I relish time away from people, and don't gravitate towards large groups of people.  That said, I do want my kids to know that I took time to be with them on days when I could, and that I entered their experiences, even if I find it a bit exhausting.  This is the introvert me talking.  There were so many things I picked up on by wandering around art, and some were quite profound.  I didn't expect to encounter so many life-truths on a grade-school field trip. We started in the impressionist department, and observed the art.  I am not one who has a deep appreciation for visual art.  I think, 'Hmm, nice painting.' And then move on.  As a side note, it is such a joy to watch the kids gaze on these historic, classic wor...

If I had seen an article 20 years ago with ‘race’ or ‘racism’ in the title, I might have yawned and flipped past it.   I had the luxury to do so – if anything caught my eye with these words, internally I would wonder what the big deal was.   I’m thankful this is no longer the case.   These themes have popped up all over – not merely in print media or news outlets, but in tragic circumstances, and in grocery stores and tales are told of interactions with strangers in public.   That being the case, I have begun to pay closer attention – and it started just a few decades ago with conversations with my sister. We had grown up together – fast friends and playmates – and I had, from the moment of my birth understood her to be the truest sister – even though her skin and appearance told me from the beginning that she was Chinese and I was a freckled red-head.   I don’t remember ever thinking of her as different, even though it was plainly obvious.   In ...

Lest you fall into the same errors we have as parents, let me divulge to you my latest 'aha' moment in parenting.  I call it: What You Do Matters More than Who You Are.  (Big lie, by the way).  I like to think I communicate grace, acceptance, mercy, kindness and love to my kids.  These sound like Utopian ideals - and would be easily applied if I were supplied with Utopian kid material (which, though it seems close at times, is far from the case). It's tricky - this issue of 'what-our-kids-do'.  Because in fact, we are supposed to - commanded to - tell our kids what to do and how to behave.  This is what molding and shaping and nurturing them is kind of about: getting them to do the things that civilized society expects, to a certain degree.  How do we get the results we want without becoming a nag, nuisance, irritation, grit-under-their-skin?  When I find that answer I'll blog it, but until then, let me just stick with this one thing: putting...

I'd like to address this issue of maligning emotions - as if they are inherently bad.  "But you were emotional when you responded!"  Sounds like an accusation or something.  I wish we could get over this concept that emotions are wrong.  That we must float through life robotic-like - oh, no, not really - with plastic smiles plastered across our from-here-on-out robotic affect. I wrote a bit about this in a previous post (Two lies that burn holes in relationships), and received some feedback from an insightful relative.  I asked her permission to post her thoughts here as I thought they warranted a broader audience.  She says it better, and with more credibility than I could! Thank you so much for your helpful insights, and good observations about those two lie-beliefs regarding emotions! I've been fascinated with the topic of emotions and feelings for a LONG time. Here are just a few brief comments, on a few random observations that seem true to me,...

I was just reading someone else's blog about how they found out they were pregnant.  And since I've had five experiences of this sort I thought I should make a record of them. So it was January of 2011.  Andrew was just shy of 2 years old and we were feeling the exhaustion of being parents of 4.  Sam and I were just beginning to discuss if we were a) believers in birth control b) willing to act on that belief c) ready to act immediately and declare ourselves through with childbearing.  We were unsettled on all three.  But we prayed...and discussed. Did we want another baby? Well, I secretly did.  But I couldn't say that directly.  I really wanted another girl.  I'd look at other families and if there were just two kids - two girls, I'd think, 'She has something I don't have!'  Is that coveting?  I didn't feel it was.  It was a matter of laying my heart bare before God and letting Him know my longing and trusting Him with that...

On the weekends Sam and I would talk non-stop until late at night. We shared our lives, our struggles, our journey. We had many similar experiences with teenage depression and spiritual struggles of purpose. I remember Sam telling me that he longed for a wife, whom he would aim to treat as a queen. When he said that I longed to be that wife! But at that point we hardly knew each other and he was not even considering me as an option! I will say that some of his words in passing were casual and innocent - not hinting at anything in any way. I knew that he was not suggesting anything, even though I really wished he were. This knowledge, that I was sitting talking to a wonderful man who longed to treat his future wife like his queen, but who didn't mean anything by it was difficult for me to stomach. I mean that literally. About a half hour after he said these things I began to vomit. Being the very noble gentleman that he was, he followed me into the throne room while I k...