Bees in My Bonnet

  Today I'm reflecting on our marriage which began 26 years ago today; not only our  marriage, but marriage in general, and then marriage in the Christian sub-culture.  There are certainly numerous resources - podcasts, books, seminars, Bible studies, what-have-you - that address how to be married, stay married, fix marriage, navigate marriage, theologize marriage, and the whole 9 (or 900) yards. I'm not going to step up and offer some sage advice about marriage on this milestone. I'm only going to notice. Wonder. Contemplate.  It has been as much of a pilgrimage as a journey. And an adventuresome one at that. If we think of a journey, we recognize a destination. So what's the destination with marriage? Wedded bliss, of course! I jest. A devout fundie-Christian would say the destination is: Sanctification, of course! Ooooh, sign me up!!! I jest, yet again. So, those thoughts aside, what is the destination of the journey of marriage? I'll take a stab at it. I believe...

  It didn’t happen all at once, like in the fairy tales. By it, I mean love. Not what people think of when they think ‘love.’ Not the love that flutters the heart and weakens the knees. The love grew over time when the caught breath and hormonal impulses had found their proper place, behind the choice and mature yielding of the soul to another.  The man loved his woman until it ached. He got up each day, though weary and less than thrilled with his daily labours, and set out to win the bread for the home, wife, and children. The job was interesting on some level. It suited his gifts, a luxury to be sure. In the early days he had resented having to work. How much he’d rather fill his life with more meaning, more purpose, more self-pursuits. But he loved his woman, his family. He needed to serve their needs before his whims. He dedicated himself to providing, and it was his privilege to do so.  He might have pursued a perfect life, where every endeavour was perfectly suited...

 23 years ago today I woke up and felt miserable - I think I had vomitted in the night and I phoned Sam first thing in the morning. "I don't think I can get married today," I said. This was, of course, disheartening to him. But I gingerly drank some weak tea, handed my Dad a folded up plastic bag to keep in his pocket while he walked me down the aisle, and proceeded to prepare for our wedding later that day. It was Easter Sunday - a day full of hope, joy, and resurrection celebration. Maybe I was hoping that Easter would represent our marriage - the resurrection power of Christ infused into our union. Easter is a day of hope fulfilled, faith becoming sight, the unbelievable becoming real. That's essentially what I felt marriage was going to be.  And I don't intend to dampen the romantic notions I had but I must say, these were indeed, romantic sentiments. Marriage has turned out to be gritty, challenging, (rewarding, yes!), hard work, stretching, painful, on the n...

Pull up a chair and let's have a frank conversation about sex. Or don't. This is my disclaimer section where I tell you that if you are not married, and sex isn't available to you to give or receive, then most likely you should just stop reading here and go on about your day. On the other hand, you could just simply be curious about the inner workings of marital intimacy and have no struggle with sexual desires - and in that case, use your discretion. I do have some thoughts on sex and the single person and ways to live with unfulfilled desire, but that is beyond the scope of today's topic. Some people are squeamish when it comes to full disclosure about bedroom activities (sexual expression in marriage). Sex is, understandably, a deeply intimate, personal and private matter. It's nobody's business what you like, how you like it, and what you and your spouse engage in with what frequency and such. Because of these factors, so often nothing gets said about sex...

So, yesterday I posted about the kind of interactions I sometimes have regarding the state of affairs, especially regarding clutter in our home. (If you missed part 1,  click  Here ) It didn't end there. Like I said, I do need a Lot of help and thankfully Jena came to my rescue. Not only did she write the funny response - but she was as much a friend in deed (out deeds, depending), to meet me in my need. Today I am reminded though that Sam also came to my rescue, as it was a relative of his, he felt the need to also respond. As I look back at that, I am again so very thankful for the loving man God dropped in my lap (well, more like, in my house, but that's a long story you can read about  Here ). Here is how he addressed this situation (this is long, but I put it here with only minor edits that may be too personal, because I think his words are worth sharing with a broader audience - we are surely not the only couple to struggle with household order!): Dear --...

Today I am thankful for my husband, Sam. As I was reflecting on this post, I thought to myself, "Yeah, that's so generic...everyone is grateful for their husband, more or less."  And well they should be, I suppose (depending). But so what it's predictable and typical.  I'm still grateful for him.  I don't know that anyone else could've married me - seen all my weaknesses and failures and tough it out, work together, grow in acceptance and love and continue to honour the commitment of marriage.  Now, lest you think I am unreasonably self-deprecating...I am aware I have a few strengths too.  Just many of my strengths aren't super applicable to house-keeping and parenting (some surely are - but a hot-temper is a liability in the parenting department I daresay).  And I know I am a free-spirit and poetic, mystical, easy-going and not a control-freak (see - there are a few strengths).  But to marry an engineer, who doesn't typically revel in the fre...

Dear frustrated woman, So you did it.  You took charge.  You showed him.  Good for you. I understand - really, I do (on some level).  You watch him fill his body with junk.  You worry.  You beg, plead, convince, connive, determine what to do.  You love him SO much - you just wish he would consider how much you need him to be healthy - or at least try to be. A recent blog post was written to the man who got his Doritos whipped out from under his unsuspecting nose.  He then was presented with celery and health food. Now, it's your turn. And I, for one, don't condone what you did.  And I'm a wife. Let me make something clear to you: people rarely change when they are forced to.  And, when forced, the changes may be obvious and external, but rarely does inner change come about because someone was forced into it.  It CAN happen - like in prison.  But I'm not sure I'd advise it or call it ideal by any measure. I get th...

Dear Wives Who Might Come Across This Blog, I am no expert in marriage or relational harmony.  I only know what I've seen and experienced.  I observe others, I slog through life with it's ups and downs.  I struggle like the rest of the world.  But there is one thing I am dedicated to giving my husband.  Year in and year out I have one primary goal - a basic gift I want to be a foundational experience for our marriage, and by extension, our home.  I want my sons and daughters to grow up observing me give this gift.  I want this to be understood as basic - as a no-brainer.  But it is something I think may be lacking in the lives of many. I haven't always succeeded in giving it.  I haven't been totally virtuous and uncomplaining.  But I want to put this out there because you may have missed it.  And I'll bet your husband has missed it.  Just ask him.  Or better yet, make him out a note or a cute card or some such thing a...

This is an anonymous posting from a trusted Missionary Pastor that I know.  He teaches the Bible to many, and often has occasion to teach on marriage from a Biblical perspective.  I will share these with you for your edification and growth. THOUGHTS ON  SUBMISSION QUESTION:  In light of these verses (see below) is the submission of  husbands and wives supposed to be   50 – 50, or 60 for wives and 40 for husbands, OR some other combination such  as 90 – 10 with wives submitting  90% of the time or should wives submit  100% and husbands not at all? From Ephesians: 22 Wives,  submit  to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should  submit  in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up fo...