7 Things Autistic Children and Adults Learn Incredibly Well

 Ever since I was 11 and saw the movie, 'The Boy Who Could Fly' I had my ears perked for any article or mention of Autism. In Hong Kong, there weren't many movies that came out in English, so if there was one that wasn't off-limits for kids, we would see it, even if we weren't interested in it. The novelty of seeing a movie in English superseded our pickiness about content.

I had barely heard the word 'autistic' before, and naturally imagined it must be a mispronunciation of 'artistic'. But the movie gave me another perspective. Because I had so many struggles with learning, attention, and getting along with my peers, I was fascinated by the insights I would find in an article or book on autism. I was fascinated that recognition was being given to the various kinds of people in world.

 People God made. 

People whose outlook was different. 

People similar to me.

 I could relate to some of what I read, and what I didn't relate to, I began to understand.

I used to jokingly say that if a book were written of my life, it could have a one word title: 'Judged.' I don't hold to that idea any longer - it was perhaps in a more cynical phase of my thought-process that I said this. But the idea still holds that I understand what it is to be judged, presumptions made of my motives, disparages made of my lack of stellar performance in all things academic, social, punctual, organizational, orderliness, among other things I'm forgetting just now.

As I've struggled to watch my own family grow in and through the various personality dynamics and giftings, and I do mean struggle (in that some of the watching is entirely painful), I realize that autistic children and adults learn some things incredibly well. I'm going to list them here for you.

1. The World Around Them Does Not Offer Safety or Justice

When a child gets in trouble for an innocent, but poorly understood, reason, it appears unfair or unjust. For example, a particular child observed young students in his school being led in a science experiment. They were holding magnifiers to paper in the bright sun to see if they could burn a hole in the paper. He observed this and decided it is much easier to start fires with matches, and promptly brought matches to school the next day, recruited a friend to gather twigs, and began to build themselves a fire. This was swiftly dealt with and an immediate in-school suspension occurred. It was explained that children aren't supposed to play with matches. Though the child did not have rebellious intent, he still had to serve his sentence. It was a public humiliation, and instructive in that he learned children should not play with matches. But years later, he recounts the story and says, 'I learned that day that there is no justice. The younger kids got to start fires, but we didn't. It doesn't make sense.'

2. It is better to put up with being misunderstood than to try to explain to people not interested in listening.

A child will encounter difficulty and people will misunderstand any child. Normally, people try to repair misunderstandings with dialogue and self-justification. An autistic child learns that they aren't going to be heard or understood, as the things they do just seem so off-putting to others. They learn very well and very quickly to give up any effort of correcting the record or standing up for themselves. They learn despair and distrust very quickly. The world teaches them this by experience. They learn it is best simply to keep to themselves because no-one will understand anyway.

3. They learn that their gifts aren't appreciated or appropriate if they don't fall in the right category.

Many people with autism have wonderful gifts to share with their communities. They may be hidden gifts - not all are artists and musicians, though some are. Some may have keen insight, problem-solving skills, appreciation for beauty, humor and even a quick-wit. Many of these gifts are kept from blessing their communities because some people with autism learn that they are viewed as so different and odd, they fear to bring their whole selves into the open. This is not their fault, but a failure of the community to lovingly welcome them as they are.

4. They learn to be quiet and absorb shame and rejection.

People with autism will sometimes be teased. If they are young, they might get called, 'dumb' or 'stupid.' One child said, 'I learned that if I agreed with them when they called me that, they would say it less often and push me over less frequently.' Children with autism are likely to be bullied if not observed and protected on an open playground. They learn very quickly that they will be mocked and shunned for being different.

5. They learn to Hide.

As life goes and is very difficult for children with autism, they may learn very quickly the best way to get by is to keep a low profile and remain hidden as much as possible. At other times, they may seek attention in a negative way, because they so very much long for acceptance and respect from their peers. This usually does not end well and only perpetuates the cycle and affirms the painful belief that their friendship isn't worthy of their peers.

6. They Learn to Fend for themselves.

Sometimes people with autism learn that because people aren't going to take the time and effort to listen and understand them, that they will need to do everything for themselves rather than asking or depending on others. This is a great gift to them as they become more resilient and self-reliant. The sad part, however, is that this strength comes about because of a lack of patient engagement on the part of their community.

7. They Learn that Unless they Try to Fix themselves, they won't be accepted.

Some people don't even believe there is such a thing as autism. Some haven't studied or learned much about it at all. I grant that all people do not need to become autism scholars. But out of basic compassion and care for our communities, it behooves us to at least be aware of the diversity in the world around us, including neurodiversity. I also recognize that Autism is a whole spectrum and not one fixed set of traits. The word itself gives a clue, from the Greek for 'self' - Auto. A person with Autism has an outlook that often come through themselves and lacks an ability to perceive how others look at things. Some would say this is a weakness. I say it is just one way of being in the world and that  person's perspective is valid, even if it doesn't consider everyone else's perspective. It's an area for a person with Autism to explore and grow in. And it's an area for neurotypicals to be aware of in interactions with the neurodiverse population. 

There are many other things I could add to this list, but I think by now you know where I'm going. My point is that those who live in the world with autism need community support, empathy, understanding, patience, and listening. They may not be able to force themselves to speak up for themselves. They may fear how society will engage with them. They may not be able to be forthcoming in defending themselves or explaining themselves. Therefore, the rest of us need to patiently draw them out. 

Offer acceptance. 

Hope.

Kindness. 

Caring. 

And not just as acts of charity either, but for OUR OWN benefit. 

I guarantee that if you patiently engage and listen to someone whose outlook and perspective is very different from yours, that you will grow as a person, and likely they will bless you in innumerable ways. 

One amazing gift people with Autism bring to the world is their deep attunement to reality. They don't fear to tell the truth as they see it. They see and know when someone is being maligned unfairly, because they have felt it themselves. They can be more attuned to relational dynamics and call out those acting unjustly, if we would let them and include them in the discussion.

 People falsely assume that those with autism simply don't 'get' relational interactions. On the contrary, they 'get' them all too well - suffering from neurotypical's brusqueness, cavalier impatience, 'ain't got the time of day for you'. 

I'm sure not all my readers will agree with what I'm saying here. But if you understand, I hope you will make an effort to bless your community by making more room at the table - the table of friendship, work environment, school, church, neighborhood, clubs - for those with Autism.