Saga of the Lost Wallet

 On January 18, Sam and I headed out to a dinner to celebrate (with his work colleagues) their accomplishments from the previous year. I remember thinking how nice it was of them to treat us all to a lovely meal in an upscale restaurant, and noticed with gratitude, that I didn't need to pull out my wallet to pay for our meal. I was so aware of not needing to do this, that upon returning home that evening, as soon as I walked in the door, I noticed my wallet was missing. I checked everywhere - my coat, purse, the car, under seats, on the ground outside the car. I realized I had lost my wallet at that dinner. And I was super annoyed. We called the restaurant. They had already closed. We waited until the next day, and called again. We were SO hopeful that it had been picked up by the staff or seen in the parking lot. But no - there was no sign of the wallet.

And so began the saga of the Lost Wallet. I didn't know it would be a saga. I told myself not to worry. I could be alright without it, for a little while. I checked bank activity online and saw no cause for concern - I knew when I had it last, and I knew, within a short time, when it had gone missing. It could have been stolen, but then I would see bank activity, and there was none. It was truly lost. 

The first few days I told myself, 'Surely it will be found.' And even though I was perturbed, I worked on letting it go. I would simply have to wait. Of course I prayed, as with all things, big and small. I told God all I felt: "I feel silly, stupid, careless! I'm embarrassed, ashamed even! Why didn't You help me be more careful!?" Then other prayers: "You know where that wallet is! Will You Please Please Please help it be found?" 

As the days passed, my angst and anxiety started to climb. I drove back to the restaurant 3 times. I saw snow piles taller than me and wondered if it had slipped into the snow and been snow-plowed into a pile. I had to assume that's what had happened. I had checked the car, up and down, inside and out, clothing I wore, and the restaurant had no sign of it. Now I had to assume it was buried under 5 feet of snow, and that there might be a small chance of finding it when snow melted. But then I thought, 'Sometimes they hire trucks to cart away snow and dump it someplace!' And after numerous trips to examine the snow which was hard-packed and solid ice by then, I knew the wallet was lost and gone forever.

So far, all I've told is the facts of the story. I've hinted that my soul was a bit in disarray. But here's more of what was going on inside me:

What's with losing my wallet? Why does it bug me so much? Why is this so hard for me? I can go through extreme trials, like almost losing my son in a motorcycle accident, facing possible mountains of medical debt, long covid that feels like death, losing friends, parents, family, to death - all these with a settled confidence in the goodness of God in the depths of my soul - and then I lose a wallet and come unglued?! 

I talked to myself: What's with you, Sarah? It's just a wallet. You can replace the cards. Are you so attached to this thing? What does it represent for you?

I started to ponder. 

It bugged me not only to lose my wallet - that was bad enough. But what really upset me was how poorly I was responding. How unsettled I was. How little I had discerned of what the wallet must represent to me. How easily bothered I was by this small loss. I didn't like me in these moments. I found my reactions so incongruous to how I aim to live. I didn't like what felt like grit under my skin. I didn't like feeling so dependent on something so small, and how helpless I felt to do anything about it. I didn't like that there were bigger concerns in life, and that this was taking center stage of my thoughts. I really didn't like any part of this experience. What was the big deal?

Was it money? There was no cash in my wallet, but there were my bank cards that I use to grocery shop and buy gas. It would be a minor shift to switch to using cash, but this was not a big deal. In fact, using cash meant I talked to the cashier at every gas station I went to. I forgot how much you interact with the general public when you don't use a card on a machine. I had forgotten what it was like to hold cash and collect change. 

I wasn't super worried about fraud. Most fraud happens through online activity anyway. So my big concern wasn't money. A minor irritation was that I'd need to phone each card and ask for a replacement. Not a big deal though.

So if it wasn't money, and it wasn't inconvenience, what was it? Next I thought of my driver's license. Ah, that gives me a sense of security. I never drive without it. I'm somewhat paranoid that if I got pulled over and didn't have it that I'd be in bigger trouble. Yes, my driver's license was the bigger deal - it meant a loss of security when I drive. Also, it can't simply be replaced by making a call. I'd have to go into the Driver's License place and probably wait in line and fill out papers and pay a fee, all to get a replacement. I'm terrible at doing paperwork of any kind. This would take monumental effort. 

Further to that, I sometimes speed a little (okay, sometimes more than a little, and I have repented of such in the past year or so). Not having a driver's license meant I had to be very, very, careful in driving. I did not want to get pulled over without it. I wondered if God was trying to teach me to slow down, pay attention, um...not speed? "Ok Lord! I'm sorry! I shouldn't ever speed! I repent!" I considered if it was the driver's license that had me in an anxiety tailspin, and after careful thought, I realized, no, it wasn't the driver's license. And it wasn't the bank cards.

What else was in my wallet? Why was it so hard to lose it?

Gift cards.

This one bites. Remember I said this was January.

My birthday is in December (and Christmas of course).

All my gift cards were in my wallet.

I found the thing that stung so much. Gift cards. This was the point of pain for me. I hashed it out with God: "Ok, I know You can re-supply these gifts, but it hurts so much to lose them. I felt so spoiled, so grateful, so seen by the people who gave me these gifts! I know we could go out to eat at those places and still enjoy it, but it wouldn't be the same! I lament losing these gifts! I'm embarrassed about it! I'll never tell them, but I just feel so bad about losing them!" 

Now we were getting somewhere. It was the gifts. It was losing what couldn't be replaced. It was shame at not using the gifts I'd been given. 

OH. Now I get it.

God was speaking to me - not in words, but in a parable. The parable of the Lost Wallet, and the Lost Gifts. 

The wallet was me. I have gifts. They're tucked away safe inside me. And at any moment, my gifts, my self, the container that is me, could be gone. I'm not trying to be morbid. But this was how I started to open my eyes to see and wonder what work God was doing in my soul. 

I had to sit with those thoughts and turn over my frustration to God. It brought me to prayer - ongoing prayer. I felt prompted to ask a few different prayer groups I'm in to pray about my lost wallet. I was embarrassed to ask them to pray when I felt maybe it wasn't a very important prayer request. Even in this, God was helping me to grow in sharing my life with others. To share what was weighing me down.

I never asked them to pray for God to teach me things through this small loss. Maybe that's the part where we trust God to answer how He wills.

As the weeks passed, I kept asking God for it to be found. And it kept not being found. And I lost hope that it would be. But I grew in learning to trust and turn over my anxiety to God, to ask for His peace and to rest in Him, even if my wallet was in some snow-sludge in some far-away field, never to be seen again.

It doesn't end there. So much more came of this difficult season. Because 3 days after losing it, Timo slipped and fell on the ice outside his work. His arm went out to break his fall, and he broke it - yes, in a different place than the other places he broke it 5 months before. I was having to learn trust in all kinds of things.

3 weeks after losing my wallet, my Mother-in-Law graduated to her eternal home - her life, you might say, had been 'lost.'  (Though I daresay her true life had been found). 

It seems I was on a journey of lost things and found things. What do the losses teach me? What do the found things show me? 

It seems my journeys in life are a kind of sifting. I am being sifted - bumped up and down - tossed, almost recklessly! I fly through the air, or at least that's what it feels like! I don't know where I'll land. Sometimes the big bumps are easier than the small ones.

There is so much more to this ongoing saga. But that's enough for one blog post.

It continues here:

https://sarahsbonnetbees.blogspot.com/2024/03/saga-of-lost-walletcontinued.html?m=1