Bees in My Bonnet

 When I was at the worst part of covid last year, I could barely keep awake and when I was awake, I had no mental stamina to read or concentrate on anything. I couldn't listen to a narrative, or I'd get lost. My mind felt numb and consumed with the pain going on in seemingly every part of my body. So I went to BibleGateway.com and started to listen to Psalms. I have been memorizing Psalm 119, so I listen to it routinely. I've made my own voice recording but I hadn't a year ago so I was still using the online Bible Gateway version, in the ESV. Because I wanted to focus on Psalm 119, and I often was tossing or turning for a few minutes beforehand, I would back it up to a few chapters earlier. Sometimes I'd start at 113, or 115. I wasn't necessarily focusing on the words - simply letting them fall into the air and pick up a phrase here or there which might settle in my soul.  Somehow, in some way, my mind was clear enough at one point to actually hear  what Psalm 1...

 So what might one write when not quite in a lucid state of mind? What might I say when I struggled to breathe, to prepare my teenage daughter for her life ahead?  I thought a lot about death a year ago. I looked at my life and told myself, 'Well, I guess 44 years is a good enough life. God hasn't promised more or less. Who am I to say that is too soon to go?' Then, of course, I noticed that in Hong Kong they didn't seem to like the number 4 very much. They thought the way it sounded 'say' sounded very similar to the word for death: 'sei'. And in fact, to me, they sound identical. And here I had completed 44 years around the sun, and in my glum state of being, figured my life was rapidly closing up shop.  I asked one of the kids to deliver the laptop to me, and I was able to put together a few thoughts for Priscilla on her orientation weekend.  Here is what I wrote, thinking it might be the last thing she hears from me: Dear Priscilla, I so much wish I c...

 It was on this day one year ago that I ended up in the Urgent Care because of chest pain. They didn't find an immediate cause for chest pain, but did a routine covid screening test, and it came back positive. I had not had covid yet, and I was trusting it would be a mild case and geared up for the obligatory quarantine. I had been focused on my 2 oldest starting college, and all the logistics that involved - one going to Georgia, another nearby, and planning how one parent could be in one location, and I in the other. It was going to be a stretch to attend parent orientation, and try to take in all the upcoming changes. Our family was suddenly going to be shrinking. I didn't seem to have time to think about it or prepare for it. I didn't know how I'd feel settling Priscilla into a dorm room, watching her connect with friends and shift her focus from home to school and social events. I had already had a year without Caleb as he had been at a gap year program in Wisconsi...

 I like expression, exploration, BOLD, daring colors, uninhibited freedom, shapes, lines - clean and soft, textures, patterns, contrast. I like to think, to put words on my feelings...to find a way to uncage my soul. I often dream of being an artist. "Here's what I'd paint if I could," I say to myself. And when I try it, it looks awful, so I keep the artist part of me in my imagination. Very rarely I give it an actual attempt. What comes forth is rather ghastly, but the process was cathartic, so I consider it a success. Knowing I lack skill, I move towards the abstract; a way to simplify the tumult that seeks dissipation. I dig through the stuff: a canvas, kids' art kit, scissors, comb, a random plastic cup left on the table, craft tape. I squeeze all the colors onto the palette and begin with circles. I never know which colors will strike my fancy. Better to have all the colors squeezed out so I can see them on the plate. Just having the options brings its own co...

 Ever since I was 11 and saw the movie, 'The Boy Who Could Fly' I had my ears perked for any article or mention of Autism. In Hong Kong, there weren't many movies that came out in English, so if there was one that wasn't off-limits for kids, we would see it, even if we weren't interested in it. The novelty of seeing a movie in English superseded our pickiness about content. I had barely heard the word 'autistic' before, and naturally imagined it must be a mispronunciation of 'artistic'. But the movie gave me another perspective. Because I had so many struggles with learning, attention, and getting along with my peers, I was fascinated by the insights I would find in an article or book on autism. I was fascinated that recognition was being given to the various kinds of people in world.  People God made.  People whose outlook was different.  People similar to me.  I could relate to some of what I read, and what I didn't relate to, I began to unders...

 It has been over a week since my Mom took her last breath on this earth and her first one in Glory. As if the grief of my life has not filled my cup to the brim, God seems to step in and say, 'Your cup is bigger than you knew...' I don't know if this thought is supposed to be encouraging or what. Maybe more of the 'what' in my case. And maybe God doesn't say that at all. Maybe that is my mind playing tricks on me. How does one actually  hear from God? I will not presume to answer this question, though it can be explored through the pages of Holy Writ (which I hold to be the Holy Bible). Beyond that, we do have historical church figures who give us perspective based on their own reading of Scripture and a lifetime of following after Jesus, albeit, imperfectly. I wonder if anyone will come along after me on their journey of faith and take clues from my experience? No matter, I will journey just the same. Not for their sake, but for mine. (Call me ego-centric if y...

‘Are you listening?’  Oh yes, I am. ‘What do you hear?’  I hear nothing. ‘Listen harder.’ Okay, I hear the birds. ‘What do they say?’ Whatever is in them to say - This is their song. They call, they wait, They listen for a response. Such curious little creatures, Free to fly, driven by hunger, They know the way to find food, warmth, a partner. They live dependent, simple, uncomplicated. They have all they need. ‘Do you hear their song?’  Yes; they have a voice.  They open their mouths - they find food for their bellies, And voice a song. ‘Where does that song come from?’  You made them to sing, I suppose. You gave them their voice, so they sing. ‘What has happened to your voice?’ I am not like the birds, O Lord. My voice got trapped, stuck within. I am not simple, Trusting, uncomplicated.  I have no wings to fly. “Oh for the wings of a dove - far away would I roam. In the wilderness build me a nest, And remain there forever at rest…” I hear this song deep w...