A Story of Grace and Healing [Guest Blogger: Barb Tillson]

 I guess it all began when I was about 7 yrs old and my father left my mom with 3 girls to raise alone. No visits, no support. Just a dead beat dad. My mom did her best; she struggled with major depression, but she always provided.  

I think I became very promiscuous in my teen years because of not having a dad. I was looking for male love any way I could get it. When I was 18, a senior in high school, I found myself pregnant. My first thought was that I would get married and have a baby. Even then, before knowing Christ, I knew I was growing a life in me. The boyfriend and I even went to K-Mart and bought rings. 

I don’t remember how it happened but we ended up going to meet with a Lutheran Pastor from the church my family attended. He talked to us and gave us our options, one of them being abortion. Yes from a man of God, I think, we were given the option of abortion.

 This was, of course, back in 1972; Roe v Wade had just been passed. We decided that this was the option we were taking. I couldn’t even have it done in Illinois - we had to go to Wisconsin. So we did. He drove me there, and I had the procedure done. I was asked many times if I knew what I was doing and I said yes.

 Afterward we drove back and I remember being very sad and crying quietly to myself. I thought this guy would stick around with me afterwards, but he was gone from my life as quickly as he could. He was supposed to pick me up from work one day and he never showed up and I never saw him again. I’m sure he was very relieved to be out of that predicament.

 I went on with my life after that, not thinking a lot about what I had done. After all, this was a new freedom for women. I did not go to college after high school - it was never mentioned. I got married in 1974. I just wanted to work and have a family. I think the first time it hit me a little was once when I thought I might be pregnant but wasn’t. I began to think that God was going to punish me for the rest of my life because of what I had done. I was beginning to feel some guilt and shame. I didn’t know that God doesn’t work that way. 

In the next coming years I had 3 healthy baby boys. I was so happy - for some reason I always wanted boys. I loved being a stay-at-home-mom, raising my sons. They were, and are, my greatest joy! Somewhere along the way, I started experiencing a lot of depression. I went to a doctor and was put on medication. I thought more and more about the child I had aborted. Guilt and shame came harder. 

I met Jesus as my Savior after the birth of my second son, in the fall of 1979. We had married in a Church but we were looking for a Christ-centered church and we found one. We attended regularly, and I got very involved and loved serving God. Guilt, shame, and depression continued to follow me. Very few people in my life knew about my abortion. 

I don’t remember when it exactly happened, but one day, when I was serving in the nursery at church, another woman was in there talking to me. I knew she had had a difficult life, and I had heard that she had had multiple abortions. I felt safe talking to her. She told me some words that I can still hear clearly. She asked me if I believed that God had forgiven me and I said “Yes”. Then she asked me if I had forgiven myself. My answer to that was “No”. Then she said to me, “Barb if you believe that God has forgiven you but you don’t forgive yourself, you are saying that you are higher than God and you are negating His forgiveness”. Wow those words were powerful. I am not higher than God and I need to stop beating myself up. That was the beginning of my healing. 

It was a slow process. Someone at the church started a post abortion Bible study and I attended that. All the women in this group had different stories but the same result: abortion. It was very healing for me to open up and to not feel judged. I began to fully experience God’s amazing forgiveness: Something I hadn’t known before. My guilt and shame began to fall away. Someone I was close to at the church told me that someday I would share my story in front of church. My response was “No way, that will never happen." 

I never shared in that church but I did in the next church we attended. The pastor asked a few people to share during the service and I was one of them. I agreed. I knew this was a place where I would probably not be judged, and if someone did, that was their problem. I was forgiven and set free before my God and that was all that mattered. I was scared, but I did it, and it was very freeing and I was very loved-on afterward. That was proof to me that my guilt and shame was gone. 

I have since shared again in the church we are attending now. People know my story and they still love me, like God does. My hope is always to offer girls and women a better choice than I was given and took. To counsel them to not make the choice I did, which led to so much devastating emotional after-effects for me. I know the pain, for me, of making the choice to abort, in contradiction, to what I now know is against God’s desire for life to flourish. I want to spare them the grief, regret, shame, and loss that I have been through.  

I have been able to speak to a few young ladies when the time seemed right and God prompted me. I even spoke to my son's girlfriend when she found herself pregnant. I now have an 18 yr old granddaughter from that. I don’t know that she was considering abortion, but God told me to share with her, and I did. Very recently, I have been in contact with an organization called “Restore” that has a facility right in the town where I live. It is a post abortion support group and also advises against abortion. I am going to start training to be one of their counselors. 

God is Good all the time, even in our mess ups. He can use for good even our biggest mistake. He is Good all the time. I’m praising Him for his love and forgiveness. I still have times of looking back on that experience and being sad, especially this time of year, fall, because it is when my child would have been born. He or she would be turning 49 this year, 2021. I am eagerly awaiting our reunion in heaven some day! I have a friend who runs an organization for families that have lost babies. I ordered a bracelet that she makes in memory of my child. It brings me comfort! 

My point is that God’s forgiveness is for anyone, for any circumstance. You can find freedom no matter what situation you find yourself in. You don’t have to live in guilt and shame. Praise God Always!