Self-Curiosity Disorder - a new proposal for the DSM

 Though I am not in the professional realm of psychology, I am in the UNprofessional realm of it. And I'd like to propose a new diagnosis: Self-Curiosity Disorder.  

There are those walking amongst us who seem like well-adjusted adults. Citizens held in high regard. Kind and loving and decent people. People you'd like to know better and some who you'd like to not know better. They walk amongst us, and often they are busy doing good things and serving in some capacity. Keeping busy helps with this kind of disorder.

Now, a disorder is only labelled as such because it is disruptive to life. And some disorders lie beneath the surface - they are rather hidden, and only show up in intimate family relationships. 

I'd say this new disorder could be co-morbid with clinical depression, anxiety disorders, and personality disorders (there's a whole cluster of those). 

The main tenet of this disorder is a surprising lack of curiosity about onesself. And it is rampant most likely in the sub-culture of Evangelicalism, and likely many religious circles. Why do I say this? Because a Christian virtue is that of serving, self-sacrifice and being as others-centred as possible. And I am not here to criticize these values: they are good - we want people to focus on the needs of others and to unselfishly give and serve where there are great needs. By all means, people: go out and help the world!!

But there is this kind of trap that many can fall into: that of obsessively 'caring' for others (think: time, resources, energy, service), while never taking time and energy to care about onesself. I'm not going to get into 'self-care' here - there's so much that's been said on that in other places. And I'm not talking about the caring of self that is soaking in a tub and drinking wine to soothe ones nerves (by all means, do that if you need to)! I'm talking about caring about why I think, feel, or act a certain way. I'm talking about being curious as to what my true motives are. I'm talking about a self-curiosity that leads to questions, digging, uncovering and even finding unpleasant truths about onesself.

I haven't always been curious about myself. But now that I have kids and watch them maturing, and things they stumble upon, I realize I have lived my whole life with blind spots (and I'm sure we all do!) We can't know or see our own blind spots unless we have a certain curiosity about them. And some of us would simply rather not know: I've been there. It goes like this, "Lord, I read in Psalm 139 that the Psalmist writes, 'Search me, O God, and know my heart! Test me, and know my anxious thoughts! See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!' and I'm just not there yet! I want to want to pray this prayer, like the Psalmist did. But I'm just not as spiritual as he was. I'm afraid if you look inside me you'll let me see my own junk, and I don't think I can handle that." And you know what? I DO pray like that sometimes. And God is gracious and I seem to recall the words of Isaiah, "A smouldering wick, He will not snuff out; a bruised reed He will not crush." I realize that my reticence to even be curious about myself says more about buried shame, than about the grace of God. 

But if I never acknowledge these fears, these places where I hold back...I never engage curiosity about my inner self, and I stunt my own potential growth. 

I recommend being curious. Not like the monkey, George (though that's a great starting point for children!). No, I'm talking about when you have an angry outburst that comes out of nowhere, do you ever sit back later and reflect, 'Ugh, that was awful! I blew it. I was SO mad. What's with that, Sarah!?' Or, maybe going deeper, "Hey me, do you think you're super hurt right now because that person didn't pay attention to you like you wished? Or do you think your hurt could say something about your broken attachments throughout life? Or do you think everyone else is to blame for your pain?" These are hard questions. They don't come out of nowhere. They come out of curiosity.

Sometimes my inner curiosity leads me places I would never have discovered otherwise! I'll come away from a conversation and will think, 'Hmm, I wish that person would become my friend...my really good friend.' And then I'll ask myself why - and then a whole conversation happens in my head. It might go like this: "Because she's an awesome person who thinks more deeply than I do, and has wonderful insight and an interesting life with cool stories!" And the other part of me replies, "That's great! How will you feel if she has no time, energy, or interest in being a deeper friend?" And my other part says, "I might be bummed. But I won't obsess about it like I used to. Because now I can see that I have a tendency to launch into deeper attachments so quickly it scares people away." Then I cope with the drifters - you know, those who drift in and out of your life and you realize you'll enjoy that friendship as long as it lasts.  (Yes, I am that insecure about friendships!! Please tell me I'm not the only one!! Seriously, there have got to be other 'friendship-shy-hesitants' out there. Maybe that's yet another DSM criteria?!!)

In this, I'm speaking of casual relationships - and that is simply one area. But it is a place of pain for many people, so I guess it might speak to you in some way. My point is that self-curiosity can lead to so many discoveries in every area of life. It applies to emotions, family relationships, friend relationships, my relationship to God, how I feel towards myself. It helps me identify deep longings so that I can take these unfulfilled parts of me to God and say, "Here you go. I don't know how to live with this. It sucks. But I'm going to share this pain with You because surely, You love me and want me to cast every burden on You."

There are those who may never think these thoughts. They may just blunder through life hoping for the best, spinning wheels keeping busy, and immersing themselves in self-sacrificial service. 

But I still think it's some kind of disorder. A total lack of curiosity about onesself is surely a hindrance to the flourishing of genuine joy, secure attachment to God, self and others, and to open vulnerable engagements in relationships.

Maybe the DSM will stumble upon my humble blog and the powers that be will come up with Category A, B, and C and all the diagnostic criteria. 

But I really think I'm onto something here.

What do you think?