The Stories Jenny Held (4)
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Sarah
I came into the world lacking the sense that is known as ‘common’. In its place I suppose I was endowed with an un-common kind of sense. As with all personal narratives, we must take what we are told to some degree. So, much of the telling of my life overflows with insights – true or false – passed down to me by my superiors. I was told that the reason I came into the world the un-natural way (via c-section) was because I didn’t want to come out. My desires were assigned to me and decided for me, without my input, before I even emerged from the womb. I don’t know if I wanted to emerge or not – does an infant want anything other than comfort? But if this is what a child is told, she will believe it, because the adults always know, or that is what I thought. Perhaps this was the first marker in my journey towards self-definition. It took decades for me to understand I could think or feel or define my own internal experience in my own terms. Eventually I would come to welcome the owning of my own shadow.
Every time it rains, or I am outside in the downpour – on purpose – the words echo in my ears, “You wouldn’t have sense to come in out of the rain!” It is said in an incredulous and mocking manner. You see, I did lack sense; the common kind that tells common people that rain is bad and to be avoided. Since I take a liking to rain, and couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to come in out of it, I supposed my mother was right in her assessment. I lacked so much common sense that I actually began to prefer my own un-common sense to the common kind. My lack of sense in wanting to enter the world must certainly have been the cause of my surgical, un-natural birth, I concluded.
It is quite natural for younger siblings to enter the world thinking everyone is ahead or knows more, or achieves more. And it was true for me: my older sister paved the way for my learning and growth and she was perhaps the best gift God could have planned for me ahead of time. To have her a few steps ahead, waiting for a little sister - to bring me tissues when I cried and to play together - this was exactly what I would need as I grew to attempt to make sense of the world.
Jenny came along right after we survived our first surgeries together. Cathy and I both had significant ear and throat problems, and a tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy was in order. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
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