Bees in My Bonnet

 Oh God, You tell me 'Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.' Right now, I must be very blessed. I mourn. I mourn for wickedness, violence, evil. I mourn for a country tossed into a conflict it never asked for. I mourn for families whose children must hold a weapon, for mothers who long to protect their children, for fathers whose shoulders are weighed down by the crushing weight of a mounting war. I mourn for it all.  And yet You don't tell me how I will be comforted, so I'd like to tell you how.  would you bring victory to the oppressed; boldness, daring, and power, to the invaded? Would you miraculously intervene and cause division in the ranks of the invaders? Would you bring to an end the violence of the wicked? Would you bring peace to those who long for, and fight for it? How about illness and death, I'm thinking, sudden heart-attacks, botulism, salmonella...you know, anything?!  You are God with all power and creativity. Surely You can thi...

This time is like a conversation. I open my heart and say all the things - Sometimes nice things, Upsetting things, Confusing things. They’re all there, and I just say it all:  I don’t hold back. I imagine You curiously listening. You let it all come out, even when I’m frustrated. Especially when I’m frustrated. There is no slamming the door on our conversation. You are patient. Then there is a stillness - a pause. I wait. Maybe now You will speak. Maybe now I can hear. The pages of Your book are open before me: What might You say? You are alive in me - Of course in the words of the book too! The Spirit draws my eyes to read Your words. Oh You did hear me!  Your words soak into this parched soul. And I am satisfied.

  God, You are still reaching out to me. I am not forgotten, in the least. You are not silent. You see my gaping wound, You rush in with a viscous love: You will mother me -  You delivered me when bound. Bind me up in Your affectionate love. Let me soak in Your delightful gaze. Look on me with love- Helpless as I am. Fold me in Your arms and promise to keep me safe! I wonder why, if You love me like a mother does, Why You have allowed such horrors to come upon me? Yet You haven’t dropped me. I was close to stumbling, yet I didn’t. Has my fear been worse than reality? I cannot say. I want Your comfort, Your reassurance. I want to know You love me even if I’m broken. Will You welcome this fragile child? Will I be held, safe in Your arms? Can I look on You as a secure Mother? *********************** "Can a woman forget her nursing child, or lack compassion for the child of her womb? Even if these forget, yet I will not forget you." Isaiah 49:15

  Sometimes I feel my life’s fragments Held limp in my empty hands, Like crumbs falling through open fingers, Like shreds of an old garment that no longer covers, But, threadbare, exposes - refusing to shield, Giving way to weakness. Where are the threads of grace? The hopeful shards, Scattered among the pieces? Where is the glimmer of love, That might peek through the cobwebs of my soul? In these dislocated parts, These almost discarded, broken fragments, There may be the needed elements To be re-created. To be made whole Oh I do hope so.

  Welcoming the Light Candle flickers, tea becomes cold Sitting, waiting expectantly. The fountain catches sunshine’s rays And I am reminded of the Fountain of life. Stillness in the air, quiet surrounds me, And God waits to be heard. " Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." Oh there's a feast waiting,  Your words are sweeter than honey. I open my ears to His sound. Will His voice come to me? What if He says something fearful, Too heavy, too great for me to take in? "The voice of the Lord thunders." “Such thoughts are too wonderful for me;  Too lofty to attain…”  yet I yearn to expand my soul - That my heart be enlarged, That I might welcome Him with joy. "I will run in the way of your commandments, when You enlarge my heart." My heart expands. My feet take action. The sun emerges, bright, bold - unashamed Of its own radiance: “The heavens declare the glory of God” And I am instructed: The weight ...

  Here you are with me; in me. I sit with You, beside You, dine at Your table, Walk in Your garden. The day ends and You are still with me. Moonlight on my path, stillness in the crisp evening air - You speak in the quiet of silvery clouds and the whisper  Of rustling leaves as the world beds down for the night. Sometimes this is all I need, to know You are near. Because then I can grab hold of Your hand Like a desperate, dependent child And cry out, ‘Please! Bring me out of my distress!’ And of course You do. I feel the loving turn of Your face towards me. Your grace flows freely, and I, in my lonely affliction, Am Seen. My steps continue in the darkness, and I am not alone. You hold the loneliness with me. My troubled heart spills out to You. You welcome me again and again. And I welcome You: Here You are - with me. In me. Beside me. I dine at Your table; Walk in Your garden.

  Sometimes I sit with the heaviness of the world, Or, it sits with me - I cannot tell Or be sure if I invite it, or it invites me. My eyes are open and I see My heart is open and it feels My mind is open and I comprehend Sorrows too great Soul-crushing agony Shame that beckons burial. A burial - closing of earth - over what has been lost; Needed ceremony to hallow and honour grief. Many burials are needed - some daily. I’ll wave goodbye to that loss, To that joy, to that which I knew That is no more. What cannot be grieved cannot be reborn. If I don’t sit in the solitary space, Give voice to my cry, give attention to my soul, I will miss the process of death turning To Resurrection.

 I observe things. Things about our culture, society, what is trending . Buzz things, fads, hype, self-help inspiration. That kind of thing. And in recent years I've noticed that our culture lauds and applauds leaders, leadership, growing in your leadership, being a leader. It is especially rampant in the Christian sub-culture. "You are  a leader!" "How to be a more spiritually qualified leader!" "Leading your family!" "Leading your Church!" It's everywhere. I remember being in a Bible study and there being a big section on leadership and studying the Bible with an eye to leadership: Look at Moses! Look at Samuel! Look at Deborah (oops, don't look at her...apparently she was just filling in for the men who failed to show up...*or so they say*) (Of course, I say, please, please DO look at Deborah who wasn't merely filling in for her male lacklustre comrades). The list goes on: these were good leaders, these were bad leaders. You ha...

 I'm pretty mad right now and I'm just going to vent right here.  If you're looking for something enriching and spiritual, this isn't going to be it, I'm sure. It's our healthcare system. It sucks. Something is terribly wrong in our country. It is an absolute mess. My Mom is suffering - physically incapable of walking a few steps, standing from sitting, with pneumonia, with tumors, with small cell lung cancer...among other things. And our healthcare system keeps failing her. Time after time. She went into a rehab facility to strengthen her legs to walk. After 2 weeks, the health insurance notified us that they no longer approve of her being there. After an appeal, which they denied, the letter came explaining why. 'Based on the fact that she can walk unassisted for 60 feet it is determined that she no longer needs to be in the facility.' All of this is total bogus; there is no evidence she can even take 2 steps unassisted! But in the midst of this mess, ...