Bees in My Bonnet

 I just began to journal...and it made me realize I never concluded the previous saga of the lost wallet. There is more  to that story, I tell you.  My journal began..."Sometimes I think my brain got fried. The ability - really, the capacity - of my soul to hold grief, pain, trauma, suffering, silencing - I'm guessing has been greater  than most. I used to think of myself differently; blaming myself for being weak, fragile, IN-capable. But if I honestly look at my life journey, I must arrive at a different conclusion than before.  I sacrificed myself on the altar of survival ." I stopped there.  Yes, that last line describes decades of my life. I needed to find a way through, a way to cope and survive as a mother of young children, in a struggling marriage, in a world that has normal everyday demands that a severely depressed person can barely hold up underneath. It's not the world's fault. It's not having children, or a husband, or any of these things that...

  A friend let me know she was reading my blog and I was so touched, I instantly replied. As I read back on my reflections I thought I'd share it here - in case you, too, are observing nature speak. Thank you for responding to the things I've written. I have no idea who reads the things I write  and I know much of it is just random - whatever I was thinking that day.  Yes, I've become a peaceful parent for the most part. I have yet to write a blog post on my 7 years of yelling. But that sums up what it was. It was not good... I had much to learn.  And yes, grief...I'm well acquainted with it. I often wonder if every issue in our lives doesn't boil down to, on some level, grief. As I witness the leaves fall off the trees I am reminded of the cold, brutal, exposure of the trees' undressing - and how often we view winter as a metaphor for the end of life.  We are all today one day closer to that final revealing - nearer by one day, to the last day of our lives. The...