Sex: Alternate Love Language #3
Pull up a chair and let's have a frank conversation about sex. Or don't. This is my disclaimer section where I tell you that if you are not married, and sex isn't available to you to give or receive, then most likely you should just stop reading here and go on about your day. On the other hand, you could just simply be curious about the inner workings of marital intimacy and have no struggle with sexual desires - and in that case, use your discretion. I do have some thoughts on sex and the single person and ways to live with unfulfilled desire, but that is beyond the scope of today's topic.
Some people are squeamish when it comes to full disclosure about bedroom activities (sexual expression in marriage). Sex is, understandably, a deeply intimate, personal and private matter. It's nobody's business what you like, how you like it, and what you and your spouse engage in with what frequency and such. Because of these factors, so often nothing gets said about sex in marriage at all. It can be as if, in some circles, sex is a great, quiet, hidden, unacknowledged mystery that happens between married people and it's all supposed to work out and, because of the silence, men and women often suffer, struggle with their spouse sexually, conflicts of interest regarding frequency and style - and on and on. This can be an extremely painful, hidden suffering - the silence around this subject can be crushingly burdensome to couples who really need to open up and explore their own experiences and desires surrounding how their own bodies function (or don't) and enjoy (or don't enjoy) sex.
I happen to be one of the 'not squeamish' variety - I invite you to join me on this subject as we explore why I think sex deserves its own category as a love language. Part of my reason for writing this series is to encourage growth in relationships, to explore loving others in general, but our spouses in particular. God calls us to 'love one another deeply, from the heart.' I've been thinking about what it means to grow in love - love for God, and, love for neighbor (others - yes, but those in closest proximity to us is what I believe is meant by 'neighbor' in Scripture). In the famous Love Languages book by Gary Chapman, he covers 'Physical Touch' as a love language, and many would think that sex falls into this category. Physical touch is rather broad and applies to anyone in our physical space - we can, theoretically, touch them - give a hug, or, pat their back. Physical touch is broad and applies to anyone, but sex is specific to marriage. And I can, without doubt, from my interactions with married friends - so yes, my evidence is anecdotal and not 'peer-reviewed-clinical-data' (but someone should really do some research to support my thesis here, because my intuitive, always-right-hunch tells me I've hit the bulls-eye with this one) - say that sex is de facto its own separate love language.
How do I know this? Because it is a gift of willingness and engagement and if it is withheld the fruit of such withholding is emotionally devastating and crippling to those who experience the lack of this gift. If a spouse is denied sex (and before you blast me with all kinds of 'but this' or 'but that', let me acknowledge, there are absolutely, right and valid reasons to abstain or deny sex to a spouse), it can feel like the most unloving, rejecting, vulnerable and painful state to be in in all of life.
I am not talking about especially romantic gestures, about foreplay, cuddling, filling each other's 'touch tank' (need for physical touch). I am talking about sexual intercourse in marriage: period. Sex is one reason people commit to each other in marriage. I know there are many other truly important and wonderfully deep and meaningful reasons people get married, but let us not deny that one of them is to have and to hold a life-long sex partner. (There, I said it). One of the big drawing cards to marriage is our human driving need-appetite for sex. And that is how God designed it. I know I have readers with different ethics than I do - I base my moral compass largely on the Bible (okay, probably entirely, but I always like to leave room in case I missed something). I know some people believe it's okay to fully express themselves sexually outside of marriage - and I'm not here to argue or discuss that. I'm not big on moralism as a discussion - who should do what and when. But I don't mind expressing where I've come from on this matter as it pertains to this (of course, one-sided) discussion. I need to explain this in case you have a different moral compass than mine (it's a free country, kind of), because I'm talking about what draws couples to commit to marriage - and if you have a certain sexual ethic (like mine), sex is a major draw for those who believe sex belongs in marriage alone. Even if you have a different sexual ethic, I still believe that full sexual expression is a huge drawing card to the marriage commitment, because commitment enhances the sexual relationship. I've read studies (and no, I'm not citing them here because this is a blog and not academic so I don't need to go citing all the sources that I vaguely remember reading through at some point) that prove that married sex is better than non-married sex, and they think this might come from the fact that long-term committed partners experience greater trust, confidence, less anxiety and greater freedom of self-expression. Being committed to staying with each other is like pouring fuel on the fires of sexual passion: believe me.
Think of it this way: we have the rest of our lives to engage in this blissful activity, so let's find ways to make it the best we can make it. Knowing that I won't be rejected, left forlorn, abandoned to some other interest, means greater confidence, joy and wonder at what God created couples to do: dynamite sex. It is such a great gift, that to leave it unwrapped, un-played with, cast aside, get too busy for, be too tired for, is absolutely tragic. Imagine a glorious steak dinner (for those with food as a love language), lovingly prepared and served by candlelight, complete with linen napkins and delicate floral centerpiece, and you walk into the room and say, 'I'm simply too tired; I have a headache tonight. No thanks.' Sex is this grand experience, waiting to happen at any moment in your marriage, and to deny or side-step this pleasure is choosing to miss out on one of the great mysterious wonders of marriage.
Now, I realize it is not this way for everyone - not all hold to my glorious views on this subject, and that is fine. But here's the clincher: if your experience of sex is less-than, would you, out of love for your spouse, be willing to ask deeper questions of yourself? Like, peel back the layers: 'I'm uninterested in having sex hardly at all. Why is that? What lies beneath my lack of initiative or desire? Am I willing to explore this - on a physical, emotional and spiritual level? Am I willing to do the work to make this crucial matter a top priority in my marriage? Why or why not? Would I be willing to talk to a therapist, close friend or even my doctor about this matter?'
Sex - frequency, intensity and the attention given to it IS indeed a love language for the married person. If it is not cherished, tended to, lovingly given and kindly nurtured, a spouse can feel like something is missing - you can do everything else well and if this is missing the ripple effects are far-reaching. I realize some couples, for unique and specific reasons cannot have sex at all. I am not talking about situations where this is not a possibility - not only for physical but emotional and relational reasons. Of course there are ways to deal with the hurdles in sex, and not being a sex expert, I'm sure some of the hurdles cannot be surmounted, and a relationship can be cultivated without sex. But when and where sex is a possibility - if a spouse loves his/her husband/wife, it is a means of expressing love. This is why it was called, and still-ought to be: love-making.
I'm not saying you need to do things you're not comfortable with - that you are supposed to hop into bed with your spouse at any given moment to prove your love for each other. You can, and should, say no to sex for any number of reasons, even if the reason is simply, 'I don't want to.' And if you do say no, and it is simply 'I don't want to' might you be willing to explore what is hindering your desire? - and it may be (and likely is) entirely valid: I don't want to because I feel no closeness to him/her after he/she did xyz. It is right and good to say no to sex when you don't want to, but if you love your spouse, you will also take time, effort and energy to figure out and sort out what the hindrances are for you. In this sense, sex and the desire for sex, is an impetus to a stronger, closer, marriage.
Some people are squeamish when it comes to full disclosure about bedroom activities (sexual expression in marriage). Sex is, understandably, a deeply intimate, personal and private matter. It's nobody's business what you like, how you like it, and what you and your spouse engage in with what frequency and such. Because of these factors, so often nothing gets said about sex in marriage at all. It can be as if, in some circles, sex is a great, quiet, hidden, unacknowledged mystery that happens between married people and it's all supposed to work out and, because of the silence, men and women often suffer, struggle with their spouse sexually, conflicts of interest regarding frequency and style - and on and on. This can be an extremely painful, hidden suffering - the silence around this subject can be crushingly burdensome to couples who really need to open up and explore their own experiences and desires surrounding how their own bodies function (or don't) and enjoy (or don't enjoy) sex.
I happen to be one of the 'not squeamish' variety - I invite you to join me on this subject as we explore why I think sex deserves its own category as a love language. Part of my reason for writing this series is to encourage growth in relationships, to explore loving others in general, but our spouses in particular. God calls us to 'love one another deeply, from the heart.' I've been thinking about what it means to grow in love - love for God, and, love for neighbor (others - yes, but those in closest proximity to us is what I believe is meant by 'neighbor' in Scripture). In the famous Love Languages book by Gary Chapman, he covers 'Physical Touch' as a love language, and many would think that sex falls into this category. Physical touch is rather broad and applies to anyone in our physical space - we can, theoretically, touch them - give a hug, or, pat their back. Physical touch is broad and applies to anyone, but sex is specific to marriage. And I can, without doubt, from my interactions with married friends - so yes, my evidence is anecdotal and not 'peer-reviewed-clinical-data' (but someone should really do some research to support my thesis here, because my intuitive, always-right-hunch tells me I've hit the bulls-eye with this one) - say that sex is de facto its own separate love language.
How do I know this? Because it is a gift of willingness and engagement and if it is withheld the fruit of such withholding is emotionally devastating and crippling to those who experience the lack of this gift. If a spouse is denied sex (and before you blast me with all kinds of 'but this' or 'but that', let me acknowledge, there are absolutely, right and valid reasons to abstain or deny sex to a spouse), it can feel like the most unloving, rejecting, vulnerable and painful state to be in in all of life.
I am not talking about especially romantic gestures, about foreplay, cuddling, filling each other's 'touch tank' (need for physical touch). I am talking about sexual intercourse in marriage: period. Sex is one reason people commit to each other in marriage. I know there are many other truly important and wonderfully deep and meaningful reasons people get married, but let us not deny that one of them is to have and to hold a life-long sex partner. (There, I said it). One of the big drawing cards to marriage is our human driving need-appetite for sex. And that is how God designed it. I know I have readers with different ethics than I do - I base my moral compass largely on the Bible (okay, probably entirely, but I always like to leave room in case I missed something). I know some people believe it's okay to fully express themselves sexually outside of marriage - and I'm not here to argue or discuss that. I'm not big on moralism as a discussion - who should do what and when. But I don't mind expressing where I've come from on this matter as it pertains to this (of course, one-sided) discussion. I need to explain this in case you have a different moral compass than mine (it's a free country, kind of), because I'm talking about what draws couples to commit to marriage - and if you have a certain sexual ethic (like mine), sex is a major draw for those who believe sex belongs in marriage alone. Even if you have a different sexual ethic, I still believe that full sexual expression is a huge drawing card to the marriage commitment, because commitment enhances the sexual relationship. I've read studies (and no, I'm not citing them here because this is a blog and not academic so I don't need to go citing all the sources that I vaguely remember reading through at some point) that prove that married sex is better than non-married sex, and they think this might come from the fact that long-term committed partners experience greater trust, confidence, less anxiety and greater freedom of self-expression. Being committed to staying with each other is like pouring fuel on the fires of sexual passion: believe me.
Think of it this way: we have the rest of our lives to engage in this blissful activity, so let's find ways to make it the best we can make it. Knowing that I won't be rejected, left forlorn, abandoned to some other interest, means greater confidence, joy and wonder at what God created couples to do: dynamite sex. It is such a great gift, that to leave it unwrapped, un-played with, cast aside, get too busy for, be too tired for, is absolutely tragic. Imagine a glorious steak dinner (for those with food as a love language), lovingly prepared and served by candlelight, complete with linen napkins and delicate floral centerpiece, and you walk into the room and say, 'I'm simply too tired; I have a headache tonight. No thanks.' Sex is this grand experience, waiting to happen at any moment in your marriage, and to deny or side-step this pleasure is choosing to miss out on one of the great mysterious wonders of marriage.
Now, I realize it is not this way for everyone - not all hold to my glorious views on this subject, and that is fine. But here's the clincher: if your experience of sex is less-than, would you, out of love for your spouse, be willing to ask deeper questions of yourself? Like, peel back the layers: 'I'm uninterested in having sex hardly at all. Why is that? What lies beneath my lack of initiative or desire? Am I willing to explore this - on a physical, emotional and spiritual level? Am I willing to do the work to make this crucial matter a top priority in my marriage? Why or why not? Would I be willing to talk to a therapist, close friend or even my doctor about this matter?'
Sex - frequency, intensity and the attention given to it IS indeed a love language for the married person. If it is not cherished, tended to, lovingly given and kindly nurtured, a spouse can feel like something is missing - you can do everything else well and if this is missing the ripple effects are far-reaching. I realize some couples, for unique and specific reasons cannot have sex at all. I am not talking about situations where this is not a possibility - not only for physical but emotional and relational reasons. Of course there are ways to deal with the hurdles in sex, and not being a sex expert, I'm sure some of the hurdles cannot be surmounted, and a relationship can be cultivated without sex. But when and where sex is a possibility - if a spouse loves his/her husband/wife, it is a means of expressing love. This is why it was called, and still-ought to be: love-making.
I'm not saying you need to do things you're not comfortable with - that you are supposed to hop into bed with your spouse at any given moment to prove your love for each other. You can, and should, say no to sex for any number of reasons, even if the reason is simply, 'I don't want to.' And if you do say no, and it is simply 'I don't want to' might you be willing to explore what is hindering your desire? - and it may be (and likely is) entirely valid: I don't want to because I feel no closeness to him/her after he/she did xyz. It is right and good to say no to sex when you don't want to, but if you love your spouse, you will also take time, effort and energy to figure out and sort out what the hindrances are for you. In this sense, sex and the desire for sex, is an impetus to a stronger, closer, marriage.
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