Happy 26th Birthday to our Marriage

 




Today I'm reflecting on our marriage which began 26 years ago today; not only our marriage, but marriage in general, and then marriage in the Christian sub-culture.  There are certainly numerous resources - podcasts, books, seminars, Bible studies, what-have-you - that address how to be married, stay married, fix marriage, navigate marriage, theologize marriage, and the whole 9 (or 900) yards. I'm not going to step up and offer some sage advice about marriage on this milestone. I'm only going to notice. Wonder. Contemplate. 


It has been as much of a pilgrimage as a journey. And an adventuresome one at that. If we think of a journey, we recognize a destination. So what's the destination with marriage? Wedded bliss, of course! I jest. A devout fundie-Christian would say the destination is: Sanctification, of course! Ooooh, sign me up!!! I jest, yet again. So, those thoughts aside, what is the destination of the journey of marriage? I'll take a stab at it. I believe it is union. Scripture says, 'Can two walk together unless they be agreed?' The answer is obvious. You can't walk together with someone who heads off on their own path. Well - you could, if you follow. But what if they go too fast, too slow? How do you match pace? The fast one must go slower, the slow one, faster. But maybe the slow one can go no faster! So the fast one must adjust to the slow pace. You catch my drift, right? Two can't walk together unless they agree they want to be together. And there have been hundreds of times in the last 26 years that Sam and I have both in our own separate little worlds have definitely not wanted to be together. 


I wonder if you cringed reading that. I mean, it somewhat surprises me how little transparent honesty there is in the Christian subculture when it comes to our struggles in marriage, parenting, and extended family. I was talking earlier with someone who also has marriage struggles and I told her that I'm so sorry there aren't more people talking openly about their struggles. I said I think there's an element of shame or that we will betray our spouse or our own reputation if we say, 'We have not come to a harmonious union naturally. It has taken extra doses of hard work, patience, longsuffering endurance, prayer, therapy, books, seminars, and ultimately growth in humility.' At the moment, our marriage seems to have turned a corner for the better. God has allowed us certain deep griefs and suffering lately that are drawing us closer. We also have grown in understanding each other, our needs, differences, and unique gifts. Even sermons from Church have felt like a healing balm to us. (Shout out to Church of the Resurrection sermons!)


I heard on a marriage chat reel (Good Morgan Therapy - look her up!) this one line that has stuck with me: "You don't want a healthy marriage. You want a healing marriage." As I pondered this I had to conclude: she is RIGHT. So much is promoted to us as 'this will heal your marriage!' But her point is totally valid. If your marriage is healed and healthy, you will think you've arrived. I want an ongoing healing process, where we continue to pay attention to where the edges have frayed. Perhaps it's just semantics. But in pondering that line, I thought back to the journey and destination quandary. What is the destination of the journey of marriage? Maybe it's to participate in each other's healing, and in ministering healing where we have done harm. Simply: loving, forgiving, repenting, returning, and trusting there will be a better day ahead. 



Yesterday I sent this text to Sam: 

Sam, I think we have a really good marriage. It's taken so long to get to this place. But I want you to know I really love you and am learning to receive your love and support and help even though I resist this at times. You are proving yourself to be a safer person for me. God strengthened and is healing our marriage just in time for us to face the griefs we carry . Thank you for your faithfulness and dedication to God and me ❤️

This past week would land in the top 10 worst weeks of my life. I have a shoulder condition called calcific tendinitis. It has led to excruciating and severe pain. My arm has not been functional and my pain levels were through the roof. Normally I endure pain ok, but this one broke me. I was whimpering and crying in pain off and on throughout the last week. Sam had to help me so much with everything. At the same time there were some family issues that came to light that caused deep (DEEP) sorrow. I told Sam we should declare to ourselves a 30-day mourning period to help us cope with such heartache. Being in pain of body and soul, I could only pray non-stop for relief, for healing, for hope, for God to go after the wayward, for repentance not only for others, but for me... I was writhing and wrestling in prayer, sweat (fevers on top of everything else), tears, pain, and agony. There was a sweetness when I realized our marriage was strong. Sam was supportive, caring, loving, sympathetic, SO helpful (if you know Sam you know he loves to help people - and often I'm too proud to let him help me). 


So I'd rather say marriage is a pilgrimage. A pilgrim is seeking something more than a destination. A pilgrim seeks to develop some soul-discipline, or pay attention to something stirring within, while tracing a path that often saints-who've-gone-before have trod. Pilgrims expect a certain level of difficulty or struggle to arise. Pilgrims hold ideals, but submit these ideals to rough terrain that shapes, re-shapes, and alters them over time. Pilgrims set out with hope to discover some reward from their journey. I have been a pilgrim in marriage. I have faced hopelessness, rough terrain that threatened to snuff the life out of me and our marriage. This is why I titled this 'happy birthday to our marriage' - because the word 'anniversary' denotes a celebration over the date something occurred in the past. It's fair enough I suppose. But I am a word person. Words are exact, defining. Our marriage was born 26 years ago. We don't celebrate it as an anniversary, but as the birth of something new, holy, other. A radical departure from solitary existence to a unified one. And the unified part has been SO long in coming! Our marriage is maturing with time, but I don't believe it would be in the place it is without the loving care and help of many others along the way.


  We had to recognize we were in deep waters. That our struggles could not be endured without support. I'm so grateful we could get the help we needed, time and time again. Wouldn't it be great if others in our social context would be open and transparent about the rough terrain of their own pilgrimage? What might happen if we chose to submit prayer requests to the prayer chain like, "Our marriage is struggling. Pray for the Holy Spirit to fill each of us to truly see, know, and understand each other." Or, "Pray for the grace to love my husband and communicate lovingly to him, and for him to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in his life regarding our marriage.' Or, "Pray for us to find a trusted marriage therapist that God might use to begin the healing of our marriage.'  My hunch is that these requests would land just fine in many circles, but with much trepidation in others. It could make people feel uncomfortable. It could make others doubt your Christian maturity. It might be socially awkward. 

Yeah, I'm so over that. 

Could we just get over the awkward? Could we trust the grace of God is there for us and others who take the risk to share openly their burdens and struggles?  


Sam and I are still on our pilgrimage. As one book title said, "The Bumps Are What You Climb On" (Warren Wiersbe). Sam and I quote this line to each other a lot. And also another line from a marriage devotional we read our first year of marriage (yeah, we did that): "Acceptance is the soil of change." (I don't recall the book title of this one!) If I were to get a tattoo (which I'm not), I think that line might be one I'd choose, along with a seedling sprouting out of the word 'soil.'


All this to say, I'm thankful for this journey. I'm thankful for the companion God gave me 26 years ago. It has not been smooth sailing. It is my hope and prayer that God would continue the healing He has begun in our marriage, that we would be able to flourish in our gifts to bring hope, healing, and life to others on their pilgrimage. 





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