Emails from the week after the burglary 4
I can wreak havoc with pen and paper. I will try to be careful with what I say. Sam, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed talking to you and just being with you this weekend. You think your questions meant the conversation was one-sided? Sam! I learned more about you in this one conversation that you realise. I found you to be a man of honour, integrity and with pure intentions. I really appreciate this in you - it is so encouraging to me to know a man who truly seeks to honour, please and glorify God in everything. You are such a reflection of His Son. Your zeal and fervour strengthens my spirit and makes me yearn to be closer to God...
You want the 999,999 thoughts, huh? Well, I don't know how wise it would be...Here's one of them though:
1. When you were talking about your longing to be married, for companionship, love, a family - my stomach began to churn. (I'm not saying you make me sick!) That's because I too have deeply longed for these things but carefully kept them out of my heart and mind because of how intense it is. Sam, you could probably marry any woman you asked, and there - you'd have your dream. But I, as a woman, can't pursue and really I'm not frustrated by it. Even if I were a man however, and felt free to pursue, I would wait until I found the woman I needed to be with before pursuing...I have come to realize that if I am to love anyone in the marriage sense, it will be an obvious work of God, for I cannot force myself to love someone - yes, I can force myself to behave lovingly and to act in the best interests of another, but to really deep down love someone - that's not something I can muster up or manufacture within myself.
I have kept the dream of having a family out of my thoughts for so long (as if that's easy to do anyways...) I have done this perhaps out of self-protection, because God has not promised me these things. I so enjoy my friends who are married and being an add-on to many families I know. In teaching piano I have often been invited to stay for supper and hang out with all the kids. In this way I believe God places the lonely in families - even if families not their own. But when I leave these homes and go back to my single life, I do wish I could be out doing stuff with and for my own 'imaginary' family. 'God,' I pray, 'please let me not think these things anymore, for fear that my heart will burst from unrealised hopes.' When you said what you did it made me want to cry, for it awakened these yearnings in me - yearnings I don't want to deal with - until God provides the man who will be my husband so that these feelings can be unleashed fully. I don't know how you do it Sam - how you live with these intense desires. It's too much for me to bear.
There's one thought in 999,999. Now only 999,998 to go. There's obviously so much I could say, and want to. But I think this is enough for now.
I got 2 hours of sleep last night - and I've had a full day. I finally ate and didn't throw up - a good sign. I need to sleep. Last night I had incredible peace and felt completely safe. But I was just awake. I really felt God's hand on me though. I really felt His presence with me. What a comfort it was! Maybe that's why I stayed awake - because I felt him being so real to me.
I do want to answer your emails - but I must try at least to go to bed now. I hope I will have an opportunity tomorrow - though my day begins at 7:30 and won't be over 'til 8. And all on 2 hours of sleep...
I have trusted you with these things Sam. I don't share them lightly. In fact, I share them with no one, pretty much...So, that makes you kind of special.
And you are.