I want to write lots to answer everything from your emails, but the more I write the more you have questions, so the more you write, then I have so many questions and the more I write. I wonder if eventually we'll stop having questions and we'll run out of things to talk about.
I won't begin to answer your last email. It may take a long time.
I don't feel as if we'll run out of things to talk about. You've lived 25 years. I've lived 22 years. That's a lot to talk about!
October 13 1999
I have your emails printed out. There's so much in them and I want to respond to it all! I'm starting with yesterdays, and will probably only cover them in this email, so today's will have to wait until tomorrow. How's that for confusing?
I know I've known you such a short time and I too feel like we share a very special friendship. I really can't say enough how I appreciate you. I care about you. I don't know how it happened, and at this point I probably don't need to know. I feel like it all has been out of my control, and probably in the hands of One Who is the Master of Friendship. "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
When you said you wouldn't email much, I decided I'd email as I pleased. Sorry if I foiled your plans :) I wrote to you about your questions about girls because I think in some ways you are a lot like me. Looking back at the friendships I've had, I really wish I had done things differently. Sometimes others influenced me and clouded my thinking and distracted my heart from being honest. Too often in guy/girl friendships, someone will get hurt. But then you have to ask, is hurt always bad/wrong/to be avoided? On some level it should be avoided - and guarding our hearts is wise. On the other hand, love, by its very nature - in friendship or beyond, is risky.
Like you, though I have desired marriage I realized that the time was never right. I had things to do. I take walks with my friends in Wheaton. Sometimes these are very long walks, and we talk for a long long time. Recently on one of these walks I said to my friend, 'You know, I might be young, but where I'm at in life I feel I could get married at any time. I've had my fun and independent single life. It can continue as long as God pleases. But I am ready for commitment if I knew it was in God's good will.' All that to say Sam, I see such great qualities in you. The way you talk about wanting to love your wife with everything and to give your all to her - that is such a good thing! Don't give up your dreams of being able to do that. That's what any girl wants from her husband. After being pursued by one guy recently, who would show up at my door with flowers, I figure if he has it in him, the least my future husband can do is be just a bit close to that kind of passionate! Don't have a half-hearted relationship!
Just because a desire has come up in you for marriage, don't just marry the first girl that comes to mind. Being ready for marriage entails a lot more than life circumstance. It includes being deeply in love - almost pathetically, helplessly so....
I gagged as I saw some of these thoughts. Looking back 12 years I can't believe I would say and think some of these things. I'm just saying this as my disclaimer. I'm trying to be transparent here and not dress up and edit out the things I said (unless it is necessary!)
In one post I declare to someone I don't believe in romance. In my emails to Sam I declare loud and clear that romance is necessary. This is how people whose hearts run away with them tend to think. In great self-contradiction! I ask myself, what was I smoking?! How duplicitous of me!
Maybe you'll get a laugh out of these thoughts!