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Monday, February 7, 2011

How I Met Sam Part 24

I think most of us have struggled with fear of some kind, and maybe still do. I think fear of many things is really a way of exposing our vulnerability and revealing where our trust and confidence lies. After the burglary I wrestled with fear - gripping fear - on a daily basis. It was fine during the days but the nights were very hard.

This was the house I had grown up in and even as a child I had significant fear. I never told anyone about it much as a kid - just figured it was normal to be afraid of the dark. If I wanted a drink of water from downstairs at night I would quietly tiptoe down, get the drink as fast as I could and suddenly my heart would start racing and I would bolt up the stairs 2 or 3 at a time like lightning! We had had other burglaries but they were always in absentia - or in the middle of the night and they would come and go before we knew it. So maybe I was afraid I'd walk in on a burglary or step on a cockroach (yech!) or some such thing. Cockroaches alone gave me the creeps. They would scuttle across the floor and chills would go up my spine. So I was a bit of a nervous kid when it came to bravery in the middle of the night.

But that was as a kid. Now I was 22 years old and scared to sleep in my own bed at night. I had a nauseous kind of fear - it would paralyze me and I would lie awake for hours. Any little sound made my heart race and adrenaline kept me from sleeping. I guess I had many series of adrenaline rushes because I remember it so vividly and adrenaline is what imprints memory on the brain (just in case you didn't know :) ).

Slowly I recognized I needed to change how I was coping or dealing with everything - it was eating at me and I was sinking into a dark pit. I wasn't eating hardly at all and I was too scared to sleep. I began to think I was going to lose my mind.

The Thursday of that week Mom and Dad decided to take a trip to China to visit Sam - feeling very responsible for their wounded house-guest. They wanted to check in on him and encourage him and try to be a support, if necessary.

Sam had asked me to collect pictures for him from the newspapers. I had gathered a few and when Mom and Dad got home they gave me Sam's email address so I could let him know about the pictures. Keep in mind I had hardly had much conversation with him and so it wasn't like we were 'friends' yet or anything! So I sent him a one liner 'I got some articles and pictures for you'.

He had asked my parents how I was doing and they explained how traumatized I was. Now I had already thought him to be dashingly handsome but had sworn off engaging in conversation with eligible single men thinking it was just a recipe for heartache. When the burglary was happening I even thought to myself - and to God in my head - 'Lord, I know I kind of liked this guy and maybe he was a bit of distraction from my studies, but you don't have to get him killed just to keep my focus on track!'

So after hearing about how difficult a time I was having, Sam decided to reply to my email, and the reply melted my heart.


Link to Part 25

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