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Monday, February 28, 2011

How I Met Sam Part 26

So we had our first couple of emails. They were inspiring. They warmed my heart. But I knew that Sam was just a purely nice guy who was trying to be an encouragement to me and I guessed he was trying his best to make sure nothing other than an offer of friendship was communicated. Though I guess I hoped differently!

Although what with the crazy sleep patterns and lack of eating I was such a wreck I couldn't sort out any emotion or register any kind of emotion other than numbness and fear. After all the events of the following few weeks people's impressions were that it was a 'whirlwind romance' and that I was head-over-heels and the relationship was all consuming. Well, I will grant it did kind of become all consuming, as relationships tend to be at the outset (and following, depending!) But as for head-over-heels - sorry all you romantics out there - but that I was not.

Let me take you back to the night of the burglary. I had HAD an interest in Sam, our handsome houseguest that night. But when I heard him screaming for his life in the middle of the night, my heart went cold and dead and I even promised myself "I will not grieve for someone I did not know."

I believe this was a foolish, self-protective promise to myself and have regretted that impulsive thought ever since, because it sealed off the natural flow of emotion from my heart for a long long time, and who's to say that I'll ever be quite normal again? Even so, I believe God is redemptive even in our impulsive mistakes and has helped me cope with these issues...

So, here Sam and I begin emailing a bit and I like him well enough but my heart is still very dead and cold. I realised it was a long-shot that he would ever have an interest in me romantically, so I guess I didn't worry about it but just appreciated whatever friendship we would have. Remember, I was basically sworn off having male single friends - I only envishioned heartache coming from that situation! But the burglary somewhat forced us to have a common traumatic experience to process and share together. How can you not talk to someone who you witnessed getting stabbed and later stitched up? I made one exception to this silly self-imposed rule.

However cold and dead my heart may have been, if there had been any hope of reviving the numbness I felt it would be in the form of spiritual encouragement and in the following email from Sam, that is what I received:

Wed 6 Oct 1999

Sarah,

Thanks for forwarding your emails you sent about the burglary to others to me. There are a few things you said in the emails that I hadn't realized. I'm sorry everything seems to be coming down on you at once. I feel like I only have to deal with the robbery, not with the many things you are trying to work through.
There is only one way through this Sarah, and that is with our Dad [-Father God-]. He made you, He knows how you think, He knows how overwhelming it is right now for you, He knows that you aren't sleeping, every single detail with your things in Chicago [I was concerned about my in-absentia rent payments and finding extra roommates for our apt in Chicago]. He knows all. Be anxious for nothing, but pray about everything Phil 4.6. Everything I say in this email you will have heard before. I'm just trying to drill it in to you. Pour out your heart to our Dad Ps 62.8 - Do it. There is nothing I can do to really help you through this. I wish there was. He is the only one who wants to walk you through this. I wish I could be down there each night if I was a girl. But even if I was there in the room each night, nothing compares to the comfort and peace He can give.

I've been asking Dad to help you sleep, so often. I sure hope you slept well last night. I want to know how you slept. What time did you fall asleep? How many times did you wake up? What time did you get up? How scared were you before falling asleep? How was the lineup today? [I'll explain about that next post] Was it weird seeing them again? Bring back memories you already thought were gone?

I spent the last little bit looking up some verses. I know so many people have been sharing things with you, and you are probably overwhelmed with people writing, but these next ones I share, please meditate on them, think on them during the watches of the night, just like Ps 119:148 - My eyes stay open through the watches of the night that I may meditate on your promises. It's the only way Sarah you will get through this, meditating on His Word as you lay in bed.

I just reread Ps 56 which I read Sunday a.m. Verses 3 and 4 I don't even remember reading. "When I am afraid I will trust in You...In Dad I trust, I will not be afraid" We've both heard that a million times in our lives, but it had new meaning for me just now. When I fully trust in Him I have no reason to be afraid. We first need to figure out Who He is and how great He is, only then can we fully trust Him and not be afraid. Picture this Sarah, 24 hours a day there are tens of thousands of chariots outside your house, Ps 68.17. Every chariot has a warrior in it, and every warrior has one mission - to guard three sleeping people inside. Can you imagine how far tens of thousands of chariots will go from your house. Because of all the buildings, you would probably have to walk half a mile in any direction to get out of them. That means anyone in the future who is thinking of robbing your place doesn't have a chance. And all those little noises you hear at night that startle, they aren't robbers, those are the chariots and horses and warriors outside. For the number that are out there, they are keeping pretty quiet. No, these couple sentences I was joking, but the rest of what I'm saying, I really mean it, think about all those soldiers on our side, tonight as you lay in bed.

Imagine that our Dad is in your room tonight, and He has these huge wings with feathers and He is covering you - that's what it says in Ps 91.4. And in verse 5 it says that we won't fear the terror by night. And in verse one it talks about resting in His shadow. He is so close that we are in His shadow. If the moon is directly overhead and we are outside at night, we have to be very very close to them to be resting in their shadow.

I know there are so many verses here, but please, print this out and put it by your bed for tonight. I hope you won't be awake to read it again, but in case you are, it will be there to go over this again and again, to saturate your mind in the promises that He has made to you. You are His daughter whom He loves so so much. You are His princess. He adores you, more than anyone in this life can ever do. It hurts Him to know you aren't sleeping well and that you are afraid. I just wish He could be physically humanly present with you. I would love for Him to sit on your bed and hug you before you go to sleep and tell you out loud that He is there, with you in the room and He will be awake all night watching you. Can you imagine how well you would sleep after that? Or maybe you wouldn't sleep at all since you would spend the night talking with Him. You would probably talk His ear off. [Did Sam know me THAT well yet?!?!] Just because you can't see Him or hear Him, He is still with you just as much.

Remember Sarah that you are His PRINCESS and that He loves you so SO much.

I trust my rambling will be a little help to you. Please call me in the middle of the night. Don't you dare feel bad about waking me up. I would love to talk with you if you can't sleep. Don't worry at all what time it is.

Samuel

I am not editing these emails much - so they may be kind of redundant and not that interesting since you weren't living through what I was at the time - but I'm including them partly as a personal record so that the story is as complete as I can make it, should I ever need to tell this story again...

Also, I know some of these thoughts are simplistic and the questioning mind can challenge the thought of taking promises personally from Scripture, but I'm leaving them as they were written. At a time of deep despair, encouragement needs to be received without critical analysis! :)
(I'm speaking to myself as much as to anyone else.)


Link to Part 27

2 comments:

  1. I pray for our two girls that someday, God will provide for them men who love Him and trust Him like this.

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  2. Wow! Thank you for sharing these emails. All the times I've heard you tell your story, I don't think I've seen/heard this part. I'm sitting here just going "Awww!" over Sam. Lucky guy, lucky gal.

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